Understanding Attachment Theory in Counseling
Through the lens of attachment theory, all relationship behaviors are attempts to experience, maintain, or obtain connection and security. Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that the bonds we form with our caregivers in infancy and childhood determine how we perceive and engage in relationships as adults. We develop secure attachments when our caregivers provide consistent love, support, and responsiveness, fostering a sense of safety and trust in relationships.
In contrast, insecure attachments are developed when caregivers are unpredictable, neglectful, or absent, often creating difficulty trusting others and issues with emotional intimacy. These initial attachment experiences can influence the type of relationships we choose and environments we create later in life. In an environment of secure attachment, our needs for security and closeness are met, and so we feel safe to be vulnerable, connect with others, and explore the world around us. But in an environment of insecure attachment, we may develop dysfunctional behaviors in a misguided attempt to get our attachment needs met, often not knowing what a securely attached relationship even feels like. Looking at these behaviors through the lens of attachment theory helps us find better ways to achieve the same goal: To feel seen, heard, safe, and loved.
Understanding attachment theory helps put words to our body’s attachment experiences. Our body is wired with systems that are always working to gain and maintain safety and survival. For example, our body’s appetite system lets us know when we are hungry and cues us to eat. Similarly, our body is wired with an attachment behavioral system that causes our bodies to experience distress when our attachment feels threatened and maintain this distress until we get our attachment needs met. Just like we learn to recognize our body’s signals of hunger and how to communicate and meet those needs, counseling can help us learn to recognize our body’s signals for attachment and how to communicate and meet those needs in functional ways.
If your counselor practices attachment theory, you can expect them to:
Prioritize the therapeutic relationship
Create a safe, non-judgmental environment for you to explore painful feelings and experiences
Help you identify your individual attachment style and explore the role that it plays in your current relationships
Support you in exploring past experiences that shaped your attachment system and encourage you to reflect on how these experiences may impact the way you perceive and interact with the world now
Help you shift dysfunctional perspectives and engage in more functional behaviors to meet attachment needs
Attachment theory is not just about the past; it’s also about the future. The therapeutic relationship itself can serve as a corrective emotional experience, allowing us to process and challenge dysfunctional attachment patterns in a safe, supportive, and secure environment. By learning to recognize, communicate, and fulfill our attachment needs, counseling can help us develop and feel a more secure attachment with our loved ones and ourselves.
Curious about your attachment style? Take this free quiz!!
Written by: Hailey Adams, M.Ed., LPC
Attachment in the Therapeutic Relationship
If the wound is relational, the healing must be relational.
Many approach therapy as a cognitive exercise. They may say, "I need to get my mind right" or "I've got to work on responding differently to my triggers." What many discover in a deep therapeutic process is that many of the issues actually stem from relational wounding. For example: Yes, you may struggle with anxiety and it may seem "random" and "out of nowhere". But when you get down to it you discover it's actually because it was never actually safe for you to express your fears as a kid and you always had to handle things on your own, before you were actually able to. Anxiety makes plenty of sense as a response in that context.
What many find in deep, transformational forms of therapy is that at the heart of their issues lies a difficulty with relationships, not just difficulty with a certain set of symptoms. What then, is the solution? For many years this is a dynamic that therapists have known experientially: that healing often lies in the repairing of relational experiences via the therapeutic relationship.
Some get uncomfortable when we start talking about the relationship between therapist and client. Perhaps it seems too vulnerable, or they may label it "weird" to feel deeply connected to their therapist. They may dismiss the relationship altogether because they pay for the therapist's services, "so the relationship isn't actually real". Others may not have found a therapist they feel truly safe with, which is a whole other issue to address.
Great therapy is a stage in which to play out your relational questions, hopes, fears, and struggles. It is a safe container in which to explore territory that may not have ever been safe before. It is model for how to relate both with self and with others. We humans learn best experientially, and this holds true in the therapy world too.
Do not be afraid to test your own relationship with your therapist, to see if they seem like a person whom you could truly, deeply trust. Perhaps that trust isn't fully there yet, but is there potential for it? Does this feel a bit different somehow from previous unhealthy relationships? Sometimes that newness can be scary, but it could point to good potential for your relational healing. And with that you might just address the real root of your struggles.
A good therapist should hold this weighty place in your life with honor, respect, reverence and healthy boundaries. A good therapist is not uncomfortable with the fact that there's something unique about the way you feel about us. A good therapist knows that is a sign that healing can flow in this environment of safety and trust.
If the wound is relational, the healing must be relational.
Written by Mary Beth Stevens, LPCC, BCN